There is point in everyone’s life when u reach that breaking point on the edge of the cliff and there is no other way except jumping down on the ground breaking reality –DEATH. People say that you ve a sixth sense about these things, u perceive these death vibes , u know ur meeting ur eventual end. Wondering what got into me, all of a sudden. I just heard the news that some guy with three young kids was kidnapped by the talibans and was executed today. My mom wanted my opinion of the reasons why the Taliban did so and I answered her saying I don’t give a damn and that I am not going to analyze either. She just told me that I am inhuman. Well I lied to her,dint i. I do give every damn about this otherwise I would’nt be sitting here starving myself and typing. I hate myself for this. I don’t want to give a damn but guess I just can t help it.
I wonder did that guy had those sixth sense that fateful day. Maybe it was just an ordinary day for him. Maybe he was planning his immediate lunch and was preparing to call his family. They say that at the end ur whole life flashes before ur eyes. I still wonder if he had atleast enough time to make do with his eventuality. I wonder had his parents ever wondered even in their wildest dreams that all those cherished moments of his childhood would end in this way.life isn’t fair . is it?
What sucks for me is that I never even heard abt him until today and I bet everyone who heard of him would be mourning in their own way. I don’t think its becoz after all we re all human. That this incident struck us way beyond. Its just bull for me. I think its only fear that we re mourning for. Becoz if its humanity we wudnt ve gotten over it all so soon. Its weird in a way. I used to think that faith unites mankind but I guess I was wrong again. Its fear that bonds all of us.
I always maintain that life is too complicated and that death is too simple. Simplicity of death varied for me. When I was a kid it was all kind of straight for me. I used to think I live my life and when I die I go to heaven if I was good or I go to hell if I was bad. Now as I grew up the definitions of good and bad started blurring for me(which used to be quite clear for me). Like stealing used to be bad for me. But if I stole that to put it to good use maybe its good. now good use could be to keep myself alive. Then will I go to heaven or hell. I used to be in this dilemma and then to add to this confusion came the question of existence of god. I first got this doubt when I started going through newspaper obituary and crime column. Daily thousands of people died and they all believed in god like u and me. They are all not sinners is my belief. Then I began to hate god. Slowly hatred turned to doubt. Doubt of his mere entity. That doubt slowly steeled me to fact – there is no such thing as god. So now death has a new definition in my life. It’s a process which destroys u of ur existence. It’s a phase when u just stop working. Like a vechile that’s just not going to move anymore. We throw it out or sell its parts. Here for us we re given a funeral or our organs are donated . Its creepy to think like that. But its fact. I wonder now which option of death is better. But now when it comes down to it, there is really no other option except fact. So I had to choose between lie or truth. I chose truth and so I became this mess.
I just wanted to say that guy I was talking about in the beginning. Everything around him was temporary……his life….kids…family……..job……everything except his death. I am not glad about it but it’s the only condolence I got out of all this that Atleast there is something that is permanent ……….DEATH.

P.S: I do realize its awfully selfish of me to think so. Anyway since when did I care of what I am when there is no hell or heaven. . There is only hell in heaven …….that for me is LIFE .

There are instances or moments in life when you stand back form the crowd, everything comes to stand still. You walk around analyzing things that matter, setting your priorities straight and redefining yourself. Well for me ……….that sucks .I never get it how it strike us all of a sudden…it just crap right. On other hand I stand still, I stagnate and I know I just cant get in or get the hell out of there. Because life is full of boundaries…u set them to have space, u need space from your other life, the life with family, friends, foes, to just remain sane. To get through all this in one piece, I fence my self. The thing is more often than not I over step them. Because the space I am talking abt becomes too heavy for me ….I would need someone. And when I do that I realize it becomes too congested for me. So I draw another circle around me. This is a cyclic process resulting in a set of concentric circles. Now it’s just a dot, a dot space for me. That’s where I am now, balancing on that dot. But the thing is even this dot is too much for me and too less for others to come in. therefore now I am all alone just as I started out, standing still on the shore away from ocean but the water still touches me in the form of tide.
The peace u derive though beats the hell out of an open pool where there are things ur conscious of, things on ur mind, people to indulge in. Its like this proverb, better alone than bad company. I always thought this was confusing, it dazes me often to wonder which one is better…being shutdown from others or merrily basking company. wat I want to say in the end pretty much amounts to nothing.
Life is complicated as heaven and as if that’s not enough I make it even more ………I don’t know guess I coin in a new word myself.