My packed week has just gotten over and m in interim for another hell of a month. So I am here. Wanted to write something cuz if not ill lose touch with my good for nothing hobby. Let me see where to start. How to start is more appropriate. I don’t know. Basically my life somewhat sukcs with montonny. I ve no outside life other than college books and computer. Sometimes feels like just to break the whole shackles ,test new waters ,experiment and live life to the fullest. Whats like living life to the fullest?? I don’t know. I hardly categorize as one of the most coveted person either. So yeah this is the present day scenario. Living life to the fullest for me is letting my creative juices flow, not adrenaline stuff. So where was I ? yaa I was thinking like if there are two things u love , which one you would choose?? What are the intricacies involved?? What are the constraints to look for?? Wondering what got into me, well I just say yesterday it was sudden thrilling unplanned event ( dats as close as I get with adrenaline juices.. hehe) I saw jaanemann movie Its not really a movie u can write a review about but just that after watching it I kept thinking and still doing that.
Ok for those who dint see the movie here is a short summary. U ve a guy and his college sweetheart turned wife which turned sour later due to some misunderstandings. Enters another geek who loved the gal like hell in college but never got around with that anywhere(what can u expect?) so he enters the scene this guy due to some of his own problems decided to set this geek with his estranged wife. But he later on(obviously very late) realize he has a kid too but by that time the geek and gal are engaged. He decides that the other guys love is unconditional she is better off with him. The geek in between later gets to know that the guy who helped him with the gal is infact the husband and that the whole divorce and all was a big misunderstanding. So the geek decides to be the good guy and tells the gal and she goes back to her love. End of story.
Well one thing is here everyone got a choice to make. Like the guy he chooses her apparent happiness more, or the gal who chooses her love or the the other guy who decides to be fair. Does everything has to be so damn moralistic , does everyone have to be so right. The outcome wouldn’t always be rosy would it? It’s a movie and everything worked right . that’s what I was talking about choice?? How do u choose?? What are the constraints involved?? Wish there was some general code for everything??
I don’t know whether this is called selfish or whatever. We live life only once(life after death concept………..…… dude get over it), when we get a chance to make that journey pleasanter , better why not? Why the hell care about whats right or wrong? Why should we give a damn about anyone other than us??? Its beats me when I hear those people who patronize me by proclaiming to be truists, thinkers of the rest. Why is the only question? why ? why?( also the other inherent question ….. are you nuts?)
I don’t know. I was thinking I was really good patriot thinking of the society , thinking of making some difference right from when i had some sense(I got sense of things a bit late). But now here I m, took gre and planning full fledgedly to settle in usa with my dollar dreams.i should feel guilty for my two way selfish crap outlook. But I m not.i just chose the better pleasant way. Why care about the rest when you yourself are not so cared for? When you have some position , when you make your mark you can do something about others. Otherwise I m just as bad off as the rest of the society. I know what am talking is only to ease my guilt(yaa ……obviously I lied b4) but I just cant pick the right choice. Because right is always hard, right is always arbitrary, right ……………. It just can’t be right. . making right choice infact I think right is not the word to use, the word here is moralistic, truistic choice . there is nothing right about one choice and nothing wrong about other. After all we humans only become humane with all these intriacaies. If everything were to be just simple we wouldn’t be where we are now. The most complex evolutionised species on this planet, and probably universe( can t say)so choice. Like this dude mayur( apparently frm moon but sometimes..) says (again I might add arbitrarily, pisses u when everyone talks like that ) choose with heart think from heart.i don’t know , heart pumps blood, dint know it can think. Anyway jokes apart I don’t get it whats the heart thinking and brain thinking. Probably heart doesn’t allow you to weigh consequences, just choose whatever comes to you subconsciously. Brain choice is to deliberate everything after premeditated thoughts like I m doing now. But hey in the movie that I was talking about the guy and the geek chose the brain way, the gal unfortunately had nothing to choose from. Took the only way out. So you see when you premeditate, think u tend to become %^&^&* ethical mostly coz of guilt thing. When you think from heart its generally about you. Which way is the best way out, I don’t know. But one thing is for sure with heart, choice u make is mostly what u want really deep down. With brain, choice u make is what others want, what you are expected to do like that. If that’s the case the heart thing works a lot better for me coz thinking about others or anything like that riles me off like hell coz no one is more significant than you for you is the notion here. And by you I mean solely you.( ya it works for only those who think “I m wat I m” )


My heart choice is to not complete this now. Hehe coz simply I don’t know how to conclude . it was basically random thoughts in an hour pieced together haphazardly. Raw creativity at work!! Seriously no-thinks-outcomes-choice is my way, and my plannings for my utopia is set no mater what. Ofcourse if the unfortunate occurs and I don’t go to my utopia , what will I do, I don’t know, let me see what my heart calls for then. My brain telling me to settle wth good paypacket here some service if possible. My heart is not telling anything as of now. Hehe.

Sweat broke on my temples. I just stood looking with my mouth open. Somehow somehow just that moment my voice couldn’t travel out. Everything happened in a second. It was the only moment in my whole life that I regretted.
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I remember the day quite clearly. It was june 10,1938. I hardly slept the whole night. All night I was justifying the act I was going to commit .i was going to murder a murderer………SCOTT. Lala bahadur shastri, one of the greatest men of our country was beaten to death in midst of nation. I was there . I was right there. I watched lathis charging on him. He never deterred. He just stood there standing up for what he believed. I remember the look he had on his face just before he died. It showed nothing of regret or fear . it was just a look that said it all and nothing too. What I saw on his face is what u see in this earth. In this soil. In freedom. Freedom of nation, of mind, of soul. i think i should say it was like setting sun. but really i felt that sun dawned on us then.The entire nation mourned his death. That’s what I read in newspapers. I for one decided its enough. Enough is enough. There is a level of frustration and that day it all broke out. I decided to avenge for freedom by murdering him. I ,bhagath singh stood now where I stood when I was 9 yrs old in jalianwallah bagh. But this time things are different. This time I m going to do what I couldn’t then. Fight .
The plan was all set. Timings were predefined. That day sun rose in the east as usual.i cannot explain what eternal pleasure i derive when seeing something so powerful be with u. When I came out side I met with rajguru. He and I are going to be around center plan. We never talked much that day. We just looked at each other and everything was understood. So we set out at 9:00 am. Me, rajguru and bismail. Bismail was our look out . me and rajguru cycled and bismail was in disguise. He gave us our first signal to shoot. I removed my gun and……. Plunged a bullet. I dint shake a bit. Everything went out with bullet. It hit him on his shoulder. The next second all guards scrambled the place. There was no time to lose. We had to run and fast. We got out of cycle and started running. Chased by Indian guards was pathetic but they cant help what they are doing and we cant help our love for freedom, country. We sort of got split. When I started running through one gully what I saw made my heart stop. Sweat broke on my temples. I just stood looking with my mouth open. Somehow somehow just that moment my voice couldn’t travel out. Everything happened in a second. It was the only moment in my whole life that I regretted. Rajguru pulled trigger. It hit right on his chest. On the SCOTTS chest. But this was the wrong scott. This was not the scott we set out to kill. The whole scene dissolved in front of me. It cud be bcoz my eyes were full of water. The blood from scott would have touched my feet had I stayed there. I dint. Bismail voice shook me. I had to run. I ran. I ran like hell without turning back. Ithout looking at what happened.
I always believe there were two kinds of people one who deny their actions and the second kind who run away from them and then there was always the third kind who took responsibility for their actions and did something about it. I don’t know which kind I was.Guilt is an interesting thing, it can tear u apart and also gives u courage to do brave things.by the time u re reading this i wud ve already thrown bomb in the assembly and gt caught. i knew I had to die but I wudnt die in vain. It looked simple. I never told my countermates what was the real reason behind my second and last phase. the thing is sometimes without saying everything is said. a little gesture, a kiss, a hug , a .............sacrifice.even a whisper is enough to raise ur hope. a determined heart can change the course of history. what is independence if our hearts and souls are nt free. revolution is change not in political side, nt in economic side no nt in any of dat. it is a calling , a wakening of mind and soul to break the shackles and reign over.
i may remember the first step i took..........but my last step will be remebered by all. i never thought my journey would end so abruptly but the important thing is the journey, nt the longevity. i dont kno 4 wat reason i was born, they say u ve to find ur own destiny. i dont know if this is my destiny but i ve no regrets even if this wasnt.
INQUALAB ZINDABAD!!
LONG LIVE REVOLUTION!!
FOR HUMANITY!
FOR TRUTH!
FOR INDIA!!
JAI HINDH!!!!!!

There is point in everyone’s life when u reach that breaking point on the edge of the cliff and there is no other way except jumping down on the ground breaking reality –DEATH. People say that you ve a sixth sense about these things, u perceive these death vibes , u know ur meeting ur eventual end. Wondering what got into me, all of a sudden. I just heard the news that some guy with three young kids was kidnapped by the talibans and was executed today. My mom wanted my opinion of the reasons why the Taliban did so and I answered her saying I don’t give a damn and that I am not going to analyze either. She just told me that I am inhuman. Well I lied to her,dint i. I do give every damn about this otherwise I would’nt be sitting here starving myself and typing. I hate myself for this. I don’t want to give a damn but guess I just can t help it.
I wonder did that guy had those sixth sense that fateful day. Maybe it was just an ordinary day for him. Maybe he was planning his immediate lunch and was preparing to call his family. They say that at the end ur whole life flashes before ur eyes. I still wonder if he had atleast enough time to make do with his eventuality. I wonder had his parents ever wondered even in their wildest dreams that all those cherished moments of his childhood would end in this way.life isn’t fair . is it?
What sucks for me is that I never even heard abt him until today and I bet everyone who heard of him would be mourning in their own way. I don’t think its becoz after all we re all human. That this incident struck us way beyond. Its just bull for me. I think its only fear that we re mourning for. Becoz if its humanity we wudnt ve gotten over it all so soon. Its weird in a way. I used to think that faith unites mankind but I guess I was wrong again. Its fear that bonds all of us.
I always maintain that life is too complicated and that death is too simple. Simplicity of death varied for me. When I was a kid it was all kind of straight for me. I used to think I live my life and when I die I go to heaven if I was good or I go to hell if I was bad. Now as I grew up the definitions of good and bad started blurring for me(which used to be quite clear for me). Like stealing used to be bad for me. But if I stole that to put it to good use maybe its good. now good use could be to keep myself alive. Then will I go to heaven or hell. I used to be in this dilemma and then to add to this confusion came the question of existence of god. I first got this doubt when I started going through newspaper obituary and crime column. Daily thousands of people died and they all believed in god like u and me. They are all not sinners is my belief. Then I began to hate god. Slowly hatred turned to doubt. Doubt of his mere entity. That doubt slowly steeled me to fact – there is no such thing as god. So now death has a new definition in my life. It’s a process which destroys u of ur existence. It’s a phase when u just stop working. Like a vechile that’s just not going to move anymore. We throw it out or sell its parts. Here for us we re given a funeral or our organs are donated . Its creepy to think like that. But its fact. I wonder now which option of death is better. But now when it comes down to it, there is really no other option except fact. So I had to choose between lie or truth. I chose truth and so I became this mess.
I just wanted to say that guy I was talking about in the beginning. Everything around him was temporary……his life….kids…family……..job……everything except his death. I am not glad about it but it’s the only condolence I got out of all this that Atleast there is something that is permanent ……….DEATH.

P.S: I do realize its awfully selfish of me to think so. Anyway since when did I care of what I am when there is no hell or heaven. . There is only hell in heaven …….that for me is LIFE .

There are instances or moments in life when you stand back form the crowd, everything comes to stand still. You walk around analyzing things that matter, setting your priorities straight and redefining yourself. Well for me ……….that sucks .I never get it how it strike us all of a sudden…it just crap right. On other hand I stand still, I stagnate and I know I just cant get in or get the hell out of there. Because life is full of boundaries…u set them to have space, u need space from your other life, the life with family, friends, foes, to just remain sane. To get through all this in one piece, I fence my self. The thing is more often than not I over step them. Because the space I am talking abt becomes too heavy for me ….I would need someone. And when I do that I realize it becomes too congested for me. So I draw another circle around me. This is a cyclic process resulting in a set of concentric circles. Now it’s just a dot, a dot space for me. That’s where I am now, balancing on that dot. But the thing is even this dot is too much for me and too less for others to come in. therefore now I am all alone just as I started out, standing still on the shore away from ocean but the water still touches me in the form of tide.
The peace u derive though beats the hell out of an open pool where there are things ur conscious of, things on ur mind, people to indulge in. Its like this proverb, better alone than bad company. I always thought this was confusing, it dazes me often to wonder which one is better…being shutdown from others or merrily basking company. wat I want to say in the end pretty much amounts to nothing.
Life is complicated as heaven and as if that’s not enough I make it even more ………I don’t know guess I coin in a new word myself.

since title of my blog is that i decide to write something abt it. i know i am not at all cool. so it wud be easy 4 me to write as nything opposite of me is wat can be termed as cool. everywhere u look there is this question of who is cooler. its kind of mania around. u wud wanna be cool , i dont get it really. y r some ppl termed cool and others arent. y r some ppl geeks ,some posh and all. wat are these labels or tags that ppl attach u with. who defines these terms?? r they really capable of finding an apt term 4 someoneelse?? the thing is can a person be geek totally. doesnt he enjoy humour or wudnt he wear that predefined cool mask. wud a cool person tend to be so all along , breezing along wit no care of the world. no one can be that. the thing is u can never define a person in one word. there can be no such term to define them. everyone is complex in thei own way and ppl are metaphors, they tend to change over period of time depending on influences of circumstances. i hate it wen ppl term someone as nagging, narrow minded or etc.,bcoz there is no such thing. they cud be like that most of times bcoz u feel they re or u percieve so. wen mindsets change so does tags or titles. nowa days i hear that thick black specs are cool but like 5 yrsago those were the most uncool stuff. then wat are those specs? cool or uncool.
trend changes so do ppl. we just ve to get it. w ecant predict others. all said and done we still prefer to meet those ''cool" stds . u and i know y.