Damn the need to Damn!!!!!

Man has it been this long since i blogged again. I am just in one of those uninterrupted long phase of monotonous cribbing that I could not come with anything to write.Its just total blankness.I was telling my bro about this and he was like "dont giv a damn abt wat ppl think , u shld be gud to go".This one small line has blown me away. Damn!!!!!! Is this the reason? Have i started caring too much :D lolzz..Everyone denies it...no one claims it....but bottom line everyone cares about what ppl think about thm .So you know where this is going...post ranting about the whole damn theory...so if you are one of those ppl who either are too busy ,need the punctuations in the rite places or looking for some direction..u barking in the wrong street..or something like tht..i forgot the rite quote

The constant need to tell your shares of adventures,childhood memories with your so called random frnds...is a way to appease ur contention .. A person shouting from rooftop "I dont give a damn" well can he be less obvious ...or is it more obvious. Every success that you desire stems down to that social approval that you are vying for.As Ayn Rand has said it time and again...even an act of generosity,kindness can be the most selfish thing a man does..for his personal approval/god' approval/society's approval. Any of the slashes still qualifies this act in the selfish category and pushes you way on top"i care" slot. Well, you know it,you desire it,thn why the hell deny it? I wonder how the whole caring thing started .From the chimpanzee (lets believe the darwin theory for now ) to the presentable present phase...man has sure evolved what with the hair thing,and the whole technology reaching heights and ofcourse leaps in the whole social crap. Why did we not leave things simple as they were??. Why did we start giving a damn about every thing and now we call people who strive to live as the early men originally as the "Gr8 philosphers","sadhus " etc.,but this is a whole different concept..so yaa the dont giv a damn thing..seriously you can do all the things you love to the moment you stop caring..but thn again this comes at a price .But just think about it..just think about this unknown zone of complete unbounded freedom..to say ,think ,desire wat u want, to do wat u care,this is pure sacred religion where you are the god in your life..after all its ur life..Bhagat singh,Beatles and i cant think of more ppl at this hour..forgive my not so nocturnal mind ..these people command resepct ...we corrupt all these feelings and draw boundries that we reach a point where even you cant tell is this what u desire or wat u desire to desire ...

When you stop giving a damn, you dont rush, you are not in stress, there are no failures or success...you can see your life in slow motion one scene after other,u achieve things u wouldnt dare to ,peacefully ...slide on...I guess nothing beats the hell out of this spectacular view.

I am signing off with this quote from Fight Club .."This is your life,its ending one minute at a time... I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may. "

PS:Had to censor it..damn u :D

RIP Teena Brandon (Boys Dont Cry)

This is one of the very few movies that has touched me to the core.More so since its a true story. I cannot believe that something like this happens even in a country like USA . I actually saw the documentary on teena brandon and that was even more touching.I probably dont know anything about trans people,gays or lesbians and I think I have never met one.hmm i guess i met trans people ..hmm i dont know...but those people scare the hell out of me..cuz of the brazen way they behave and try to demand money from you...Looking back now...I feel they just dint have any other way than act brazen...If they dint majority of us that is straight people would totally crush them and their spirit and outcast them. We have already done that to a large extent.I just dont get why we have to be so unfair to these people just cuz they are not wired the same way as most of them are.I mean if they were the majority we would have been freaks!!!
What happened to teena brandon and many of the untold stories is just the outcome of our own nonsense. I have never felt more awkward than this about anything I have ever written.The sad part is even the people who committed the crime,one can totally get from where they are coming.With their background and culture and history you just have to be surprised if they dint do this to her or him as she would have preferred.I admire Teena Brandon for not succumbing to majority and live a lie...cuz she could have happily lived her life if she cud just pretend...stangely enuf to live honestly she still had to lie and pretend to be a guy :((..When did we humans became so hypocritical and cold hearted.How can we outcast someone based on somethign as trivial as this?I do hope that a day will come when everyone can welcome each other with pure heart and an open mind.Those 5 people who died and many more who are victims of such hate crimes should atleast make us realise that Nothing is worth all this nonsense.I have no idea how to conclude this....just that We have no right to judge anyone...jus cuz we are many in number...i always used to make a big deal about male domination over female...i never realised about the impact we have had on these people...we need to learn not to give a damn about these damned things!!!!!!!

Jus like tht :D

The spring semester has already started ufff and I need to start getting serious about it.I have been missing my early morning classes way too often that its now like a habit.Partly its the naruto that i have strted watching recently.Luving it everybit especially sasuke uchiha :))making me burn my midnite lamp :D...havent stayed awake for anything as much.I guess am kinda riding high cuz of prev sems gpa :) touchwood ..Need to gt some decent internship uffff and need to go back to india in summer...man i miss parents ,frnds and the awesome pani puri most of all :((.
Staying alone without my roomie especialy on weekends driving me nuts but wierdly nt feeling that socialisable either or to go out ....this is very much unlike me..i luv meeting and talking with ppl..but these days feeling very much anti social..guess things are taking its toll and i have bcm calmer :D..hehe.One thing am indulging in these days is cooking...i guess by this month end i ll be fat and an awesome cook..man am bcmng awesomer by the day :D nt to brag or anything hehe...my curries are perfect no more extra spice or tht extra bit of salt...am making new sweets and experimenting and eating a lot too...like every othr grl i am obsessed with bcmng fat ..since cmng to USA i believe every time i put up a pic i keep asking ppl this general qns hav i bcm fat?Iowa is sunny for a change :) but not tht its making a difference for me..i hav chosen to stay shut in my house enjoiying my solitary confinement with my cute dolphin and the gollum tht i gt frm 3d model...and i luv my voice mail greeting tht ihave recorded...after many days i finally gt it set up hehe..i guess its one of those times where u jus luv everything..though there is ntng specially gr8 abt thm hehe...even the lil things and unimp things make me smile now..donno why am i beaming so much :D...probly cuz things havent yet gt on my nerves..signing off until next time with some sensible stuff :D...

.......Sarfarosh ki tammanna ab humare dil mai hai....

They say it doesnt take miracles,it doesnt take many people, it doesnt take battles.. to change history...its just a thought...an individual....a determined heart that inspires the entire course of history......

Maybe its the fables or fiction...frodo,sam,maximus.....to hitler,bhagath singh...etc.,...It may not always change in good way but the impact resounds everywhere.....The strength that an individual requires to become so powerful comes from people around you,events around you and a dream...a hope that there is something that is worth your entire life.....Man has reached this stage in todays world because of that dream...where is that now? what has happened to us?Are we always going to remain as people who are in history or are we going to be the ones who make history? ...There are so many things that are happening around that is crying for someones attention ,for someone to be inspired...there are so many people around us who have been with us inspiring us with their stories of courage,love and bravery. What is the dream of mankind?Is it not like insulting your dream with so many trivial thoughts as dream?Where is the hope ....or has it been lost in the shores of brutality,hatred and selfishness that has been bitterly shadowing the corners of the world....has everything become so inhuman...mechanical...that am afraid a day will come when seeing a dying person ...one would exclaim "the human has stopped functioning!"........one dies in a split second...ones life cant be so goalless and aimless and insignificant...
there was a dream that is life......one should realise it.....

What is this???????

What is this feeling of walking along and then suddenly being hit on the stomach with a bat?What is this feeling of utter loneliness in a huge group?What is this feeling of riding bicycle knowing you ll fall? What is this feeling of sudden smile on seeing a lil kids smile?What is this feeling of sudden rush when you feeling a gush of warm air on your face? What is this feeling of peacefulness when the whole world is burning out?What is this feeling of dancing in the rain all of a sudden? What is this feeling of flying in air, walking on water ?
What is this seriously? For every thing there are thousand views, thousand more perceptions and even more importance.Its a bunch of so many things that have impacted in so many ways that one wouldnt even remember but that is wat makes our identity. The prejudices, the feelings, the likes, the dislikes,goals and ambition are all based on those things. I remember one thing distinctly that changes the whole course of my life. Its not something really great or awesome.It was a gesture. a simple gesture.Wen i was a kid all i did was slack off my homewrks and studies.So many excuses to study , so many more excuses to go out and play I remember that one time just before an exam I was crying my eyes out as it was history with huge answers and I know jack :|.It was then that my dad (our godown was right beside ) on seeing me, came ,made me sit on his lap,opened the book and started reading the answer aloud making me read.Those were the times when there were no cells, and then people used to come to house caling tat someone else was waiting for him.... he still coolly made me learn the answer explained me about history its importance ..slowly my confidence built up. I told him to go , i ll read , meet me wwen u re free.Before he got up he told me, "I always wanted to be a mechanical engg, do masters ,have the heighest degree,i couldnt coz of my dads death, had to look after busines.I gave up what I wanted coz of circumstances....I wouldnt want my kids to do the same mistake..... you should do what you want to ....what do you want ?". I immediately with a bright smile told him "Mechanical engineer".He gave a smile and left.I dont know if my dad remembers this either... but that day looking at how much focus and love and time he showed for me....I learnt to be responsible....At that age I dint know what that feeling was... The feeling when your dad looked at you when you failed the math exam .....The feeling when you finally started acing studies.... the feeling of satisfaction... the feeling of contentment at making your folks proud ....whose more that half life was about u.. and the remaining is for u...... who wait their eyes out so that they can talk to u for few mins......who miss you even when you were near them......who believe and make you belive you are something ....... then there is no such thing as bad feeling coz you can always bounce back with confidence.....I is not I anymore....Life feels better.........Now I know what all those feelings are.........It is the feeling of being alive ...............

room of doors- I

Its been like forever since I blogged.let me strt with tis opening....there are too many doors and u genly open the door where u know wat is inside ...even though wat is there may nt be actually good enuf for u and u know tht...u still go to tht room over and over again....there is a time wen u re fed up and decide to open another door...a locked door and the key u ve to search for tht...to make sense of all this let me go back by 2 months.SO here goes….
I just got out of mess I put myself in.And I needed a thingto not go back.Lucky for me I had a nice frnd with whom I can talk for hours together . I was obesessed with reading,it was just mad obsession.It was nt like I was planning to get into amazon coz I knew tht was one of the biggies and already my peers ve been rejected.But as I said it was just obsession to read coz even my frnd was reading heavily for gre and I cud take tht as an incentive for my prep.Thn in between wat wud ve been a big punch thnkfully turned out to be nt, coz I cudnt actually attend the interview but I would like to think I convinced the hr to try me. Thn finally the interview day I remember very well.I tend to become nauseous wen I m tensed and had ejected all the semi converted nutrition tht was supposed to hold me for the day.Thn on the way I had a pounding headache coz I cudnt sleep the previous day.Had to make a quick pittstop and pop a pill and my cap blew away so had to hear an earful frm my dad who was kind enuf to drive me here.
Now interview….well after attending two interviews of othr companies I thought I knew how these things go abt.I was asked to get in and all I cud remember while I was walking down to cabin was---- I shldnt fall down while walking(coz my sandal broke btw).wen I was finally in, the kind interviewer introduced himself and thn we gt settled in.my hands were freaking cold by thn.Imagine my shock wen I was handed a black marker pen and was asked to to stand up to answer the questions.On the outside I gave a smile and ws like ya sure.In the inside I was ballastic and all tht went in me was –is he kidding me,wat the hell.Thn strted the fire of qns. I guess all tht prep gave me some confidence to take each problem he asked me objectively.Throughout the gruelling 1.5 hr I cannot tell u wat went thru my mind coz honestly nthng did.i remember my hand shaking ,throat dryand oly the qns and yaa his glue stuck smile :D.i don’t know y but interviewr was obsessed with giving me coffe and sending me to restroom. I lost the guy’s marker and attempted a fruitless search.The second round was a mix of designing qns and modelling and hr.Honestly I cudnt care less coz I thought my frst round went hay wire.i was playing around with my hands ,and hair a bit,I doubt I was observed.Nyways after coming out we all thought we were goners and iwas like comparing my hr answers where I dint show any team spirit,I was feeling a bit bad tht I cudnt come up with such a tactful answers.Finally the train ride was new,I caught a running train(the train was running ) and ya I had to let my parents have a clear idea tht i m nt gonna get in coz expecting parents are very hard to appease.T hn I called my frnd and after a brief overview on my day which took like 1.5 hrs she said I did fine. Thn rite after a week ,on december 4th wen I was with my frnd watching sawariyaan I gt a call confirming my place.Well wat can I say sawariyaa is the movie where I had an awesome time watever may be the reasons[:DD].
All this just goes ahead to prove tht everything is upto us.How we turn out in the end…….its our choice….if we call it quits coz we ve no shot…..if we just blame everything on ppl around us for giving us a tuff time……if we just limit ourselves afraid to push to the limit…….if we are afraid to take a chance…….or IF WE JUST DECIDE ENUF IS ENUF and go ahead and do something abt ourselves.
Next blog abt the othr month.

EXAM SCHEDULER ALGORTIHM

PEACEFUL TRANQUIL WATER,WHAM EVERYTHING IS IN CHAOS COZ SOMETHINGS JUST HAVE TO BUTT IN IT.THIS TIME ITS EXAMS DAMN IT!!
Exams are the most annoying phase in any students life. Atleast for me.cramping with tight schedules that I ll never follow, and also extra curiicular activites like going online, chatting on fone etc., have to fit in the day adding to this getting tensed having cold hands, waking up early doing favours to your friends (explaining) and receiving favours(getting explained), having all the unnecessary talk in the worl at the most not appropriate time.I donno if it is funny but I bond more woth my mom during exams,I bond with people well during exams, people I never expect tot alk to I talk coz anything is better than the freaking books and god for saken exams.Then the morning starts with a silence Armageddon with the alarm and as it is common sense wins sometimes and I force my self to get up.The chilling wind forces u to suit up(ya I watch how I met your mother:D),and the u try to scrap in few minutes of sleep even though u know u cannot actually have the satisfaction of sleeping , it comforts me somehow.then nforcing dad to get ready quickly,hurrying to college for last minute revisions and thn running to exam hall as u genly are late and then finally faced with the devil itself the question paper awaits you on your table.A quick scan to see if u can pass the exam,once you are satisfied you start writing quickly coz very soon the pace is gonna die and sleep is gonna kick in. 3 hours would seem like forever until u reach last 30 mins which seem to whiling away as if its just 5 seconds.The walk of exit hehe is there....Then there will always be a gang of people who discuss the technical aspects of the paper, a group that will sulk about it, then there are people who start quickly coz of transportation problems,I hang around just long enough to know if everyones sucked or not and short enough not to sulk about it.waiting for the freaking bus is the most slow and troutous part of the day ,once u are in it u strt planning subconsciously for ur next exam or just go dumb.everything comes to standstill wen I reach home take my lunch into my room switch on my pc watch some decent serial or movie and close my door and shut all tht nonsense away. A decent nap and the cycle repeats again.
Funny thing is all this trouble can be avoided.exam could be plain and simple where I revise before exam write it come home and prepare for the next.Thats how it used to be until I entered 2004 and life took a head turn in past one year.well what can I say ,this is how growing up is gonna be,most straightforwards things are complicated like hell.When u re small and if u dint like someone u just say “KATIF” and thn make new frnds or shift to newer circle, but now saying that involves many other intricacies.donno whether that’s better or the former one.may be my next blog will be about that. For now I just wanted to log my exam preparation schedule online.
P.S:moral: don’t crap ur prepn like I do.hope I learn and thgn or 2.

FLICKA

i wantd to write about some touchy movie and well this was the latest one tht i gotta watch and it touches one like hell.its about this pretty black horse named flicka who is from this breed of arrogant horses whom no one wants to tame.so they are usually left at the mercy of lions etc., then there this grl called katie who is totally into horses and falls in love with this beautiful creature.then begins the wonderful story where she tames it ,her father sells her off and she finally gets her back on tht stormy night where flicka to save katie fights with a lion gts h urt but beats death and finally they live happily.these kind of endings dont really happen but it was nice to have to see this misty movie which gives u a sigh of relief.there was a touch in tht horse tht makes u feel so close to all this magical story.i think everyone can emphatise this at some point or the other. its about freedom,its about hope and most importantly its about unconditional love,the love thtat is so hard to find,the unselfish love of the horse towards the gal and likewise.i think animals define love with their innocence,they help humans get in touch with that facet of them which is usually lost in the hectic thing. i guess babies do tht too but well m nt a gr8 fan of thm so i stick to my flicka.............i had a flicka it was nt the happy ending tht was there in the movie but i m lucky to actually have had one,it gave me my hope,love and it gave me strength and courage. i dont think he realizes that but i do...............

Smoke away

With the success of my previous low budget blog hehe i ve now started this high fledged serial.As usual i do run out of topics to write .i wanted to write a burning social issue smoking but what the heck smokers smoke non smokers complain,if cigarette is banned something wud happen but hell the governement has to run rite.Non smokers dont really care much that they actually raise a protest against smoking publicly,then the wise governement would actually have smooking rooms like loos at every corner,but come yaar ab 5 min agar kuch ham inhale(nt so good at hindi) kar hi liye to kya hoga,ab roads pe bait kar hum thode hi hartaal karenge,we are middle class ppl ,we ve to wrok to feed our family.
thts the general attitude of the middle class public.lil do they realise tht by doing so they are nt just creating an unsafe envionment for the future
for their family but their kids have more chances of getting into these stuff as they get intrigued by seeing ppl smoke publicly.middle class complains,lower class bears it all and higher class are the ones who actually do these stuff or are nt bothered much.middle class always get crushed is my feeling partly coz i m in it i guess.i think being in the middle of nything is always gonna be this way.if u re too good u dont ve to worry and if u re too worse u dont really care much ,but the problem comes wen u re just an average u actually ve to worry if u dont make? it will u make it ?
topic deviation is my flair :).nywyas u ll never be in the middle or be just an average if u actually stop complaining and enjoy as it is and work for the top.who knows u might just end up beating all the top guys or ull feel content tht u atleast gave a shot.so where was i? yaaa non smokers next time dont complain do something or dont bother leka pote u l lalways feel miserable.PS: u can apply this in all ur facets of life.

IS DER A TOMORROW WITOUT HOPE?

Life is screwed up ,god it hardly makes sense now.everything seemed so crystal clear just a few months back now......its just so damn twisted.I guess i m overreacting for some of the apparent unfairness in life but i ve gt a plan. A plan is all it takes for hopeless man to spring into action.Anyways wanted to write a lot of things in my blog.......but well time for a fresh start so i ll do that.This is something thats been in debate for a long time atleast for me.EXISTENCE OF GOD? Does he really?how?when?what? a lot comes into our mind.here i would like to cite one of my insightful grandpas ..citation....there was man in his neightbhouring house and after many many years of devotion,they could finally conceive a kid.the man used to take utmost care of his son,bathe him daily,love him and nourish him.one fine day while he was bathing his son ,the son collapsed ...tht was the end of it.the man had lost it ,everything,he had only one consolation to think that god is there he took my son and is looking after him.tht was the only way how the man could survive,could get on with his life with some strength......so my grandfather just told me that day whats the use of debating on that if god is there he i s there if he is not there fine but its ok to believe he is there because that gives us courage to go on,that man needed that and god was the only way he could get that,otherwise he would have been totally broken man or may nt be alive for that matter. There wouldnt be a tomorrow for him.The gist here is sometimes its ok to believe something thats not totally true coz there is no harm in it but it is just a way to heal urself.Well i being the way i am getting overwhelmed with previous generations and condemning them like every othr gen next..... m perfect atheist.i just say one thing false hope may be ok for now,but in the long run it ll hurt us even more.Statistics seem to show atheists more as psychos compared god fearing counterparts in society.Living in an illusion,leaving things to someone not there,it does comfort us.Godfearing ppl are always limited in their brutality to the society.Looks like living a lie is better than sulking and spreading ur dark aura around.Knowledge and analyzing is of what use when they only worsen ur pain.So i decided that it is wise to trod for once a path followed by the herd but knowing that u re just in a dream.After all we fake all our emotions.To get over stuff we fake to be happy,to not hurt others ,to gt something,to not let thm kno what u re u fake it all.This is not a big thing,its just one of the many lies that one has to contend with to make his journey a bit more tranquil.But sometimes there comes a vent and u want to break loose,thats some deadly leap which ll hurt ur defense like hell ,tht the possibility of breaking it down is more.Life is fullof lies,defense to protect urself from getting hurt,however lately my defense seems to ve gone weak or its seems to ve shielded down coz of vexation of this whole delusion,once u think what the hell,lets live normally,lets let our guards down and booom the worst what u feared the most happens.u gt hurt and now u re making pathetic attempts to mend it............ull be successful if u believe ther is someone behind u to make u successful. I want to believe that ....i want to recuperate my broken soul, i want to believe i can,becoz i ve someone who looks after me.I want to believe my plan will work out coz its my last thread of hope.Its difficult to mend nything especially matters as delicate as close to u, wen a series of arrows pierce u ,u ve to fall down And give in but i would like to believe i ve strength to gt back up and resurrect my defenses.It might be an illusion but it surely gives me some light in my dark room,its an oasis in dessert which keeps me going in my path,not giving in and falling down.
I guess thats what keeps so many millions of victims, sufferers going all over the world.i cudnt for the world imagine how so many ppl who ve lost many more in massacres gt over it resurrected their lives and those of their coming generations.i guess its hope that there is still better to come that kept them going.............if they had none of that we would not have any of all this.A man without hope is just living dead man.......some ppl get close to it.............some are just that.......some like me would like to belive that they are not so and pick up thread frm there on.............

i ve been writing so much but i think i cannot post it yet its too.....lite le
so again grooving in my age old habit of musing....today we talk about ..i dont know......lets take a day of my gr8 life like today ..

PART 1

Hmmmmmmmm I started with writing about friends but, felt I m nt yet ready to write about it as of now(emotional subconscious) ,so its due for next time. Lately I m going through rough phase and I hardly recognize what happened to me. I don’t remember h ow I was before, when I stopped being what I was and became what I m now.So this blog is to reminisce one of most sought after(in my family) adventure of a lifetime. My co partner in this fiasco is my dear brother prashanth.
I was 12 years old then and without care of the world.i was just this gal with my head always in books knowing no pleasure of life. My brother was though a complete opposite.He was this cool kid who used to make my boring life hell. Its funny I never thought I would say this but I miss my hell.I just finished with my exams and was gearing up for a boring monotonos summer except little did I know that this was going to be a different one.For the first time my parents decided that we should go to our grandparents place in madras without them alone.Of course my moms brother, our uncle accompanied us in the journey.Looking back now I hardly remember the journey coz maybe I was asleep as soon as I gt into the train.i tend to sleep heavily by 8 30.i was woken up by my uncle.i gt down quickly and stood like a doll. My uncle gave me a small water bottle to carry and I was like I was carrying the whole load making grunts and everything. He had no other go but to relieve me off myburden. When I gt out onto the platform, we were greeted by stinking smell of fish all over and live fish on the ground beating for its life. We just walked through like it was some wonderland with open mouth.there was also this strange language that everyone conversed in. it added to the mystery. We finally reached our grandmas place and rested happily,dined heavily.At grandmas place along with grandpa, my bachelor uncle used to stay.two days went by swiftly and pleasantly.Now u know how bachelor uncles are, they think they are the most disciplined and think its their responsibility to make everyone else follow their monotony.I was shocked to know 5 in the morning would be so dark.WE were woken up by him, and asked to fetch milk by the corner of street. Now we are kids but not innocent, we were like we don’t know language e and stuff like that.The thing here one should understand is bribery starts at very young age, we were told we cud buy our own chocolates with left over amount. We jumped at the proposal and ran along the cold dark streets memorizing what we shld say to shopkeeper.When we finally reached the shop we forgot and just showed milk packet and 2 chocolates.Then we spent later part of the day with out grandpa asking us logical or math questions ,whoever answered is supposed to get like rs20 . we maintained a log book for that.Daily afternoon we were avid viewers of THE CENTURIONS. We decided our characters in that already and lived every episode.One week passed by quickly and then as we would have it we gt bored, missed our parents felt the schedule tightening around us.so we decided to call. We planned our call ver carefully. My brother would take bath and I would be in the attached room.he would stake out ny intruders(my uncle ,grandma) I would mak the call.i made the call and was my sweet moms tone, but was greeted with some gibberish crap.tried twice and met the same outcome.Then we figured out something was wrong , we enquired our grandpa carefully like we are asking for knowledge or something carefully gt the std code for our place and thn spoke to my mom next day like our lives depended on it,told her ‘there is no much time,call us in the nite,don’t let nyone kno we called u’. we may ve been a tad bit carried over by centurions.thn we argued daily for centurions coz it clashed with news.my mom called and we acted like we were surprised and she said she ll come as soon as she can possible a week.A lot happened in the following week.
Now there was this puja room,my bro and I pray daily for 30 min( we would like to concentrate on all gods).One fine day my brother did not come out even after 30 min and I was kinda losing my patience.i was walking to and fro with frustration wen he came outside suddenly and dragged me inside.what he showed me nex t is nothng less to fantasy land.

PART 2

We saw toys,all sorts of,purses, glittery stuff,accessories,handy stuff and more toys.its like toyland oly everything for free. We dint kno what to do. We did oly one thng which we cud think of. I divereted my grandma with cooking and complimentary talk and my bro tooksome stuff packed in our suitcase. We carried this installment business daily and one day the worst happened ,our grandma caught us,but instead of scolding she showed us new places where we cud fine more stuff.basically our uncle used to own shop which he gt rid off now after he gt into stock business.everyday became investing day ,we dint want to do nythng wrong. So we gt up on time had math sessn on time, foregone almost all the stuff except centurions and swat kats(btw I m eraser).Slowly our othr cuzns the twins dropped in along with some more cousins.
We used to have a ball.WE used to play tennis I was no good but all my bros tried to teach me a lot.then we made bow and arrow and played a lot.there were these fat tamil guys in next apartment and they used to make fun of our gang. Sometimes ppl snap and I did so once.i just hit them with my arrow and we all took off in gr8 hurry.Dint go out for like 3 days I think.Then there was this crazy lady downstairs we used to stare at.Then we used to maintain our grandmas garden daily and only once went with her to the most busiest market ever. I don’t remember much, I remebr I was pushed like hell and ya that’s it. We went to kishkinta, it was a gr8 place I had my fist Columbus ride, I was scared like hell and made to look after another kid.Hated every moment but seeing her cry, I think that was the first time when I did not cry inspite of so wanting to cry.My first brush with video games wen we went to that big video game place, I dontrember thename. But it was perfect. We manipulated our uncle to buy us more coins to play,manipulation meaning in the lowest form, by making big eyes and all that crap. Hehe. Then we went for ymca, the biggest swimming pool or something, I think I walked in water mostly, splashed it along, cudnt learn swimming bcoz I cudnt trust my bros theory of lfoating in water.
Everyone wanted in on everything.frm centurion characters t o fantasy items. We argues abt everything like hell hid everything sat on our suitcases wen elders walked in.Infact we dint ve time to talk to our parents either.Then they say u shld not wake a sleeping lion.Well my cousins did wake me up per se.They wanted one of my purses and they were like u re a gal u don’t need and snatched it from me. I warned thm I would tell to my uncle.They did not heed to me, they crossed their line and off I went .I don’t like to be dominated or nythng even if that meant I would go down with them.It was a long while ago I don’t remember what happened after that but I do remember I stil have that purse in my stuff and a lot of othr stuff which we hid in our secret compartment.so wenw e were busted me and prash ly lost like 30% of our stuff unlike others who stashed everything at a place.
Weird though, all the stuff that we lifted were never used.they are still hanging around unused and new.But whenever I see them when dusting around etc.; I think everytime I explore them like it’s the first time with same awe of fantasy.It was my wonderland.For me that summer was not just about hanging around, it was about independence,exploring,bonding and dare i add meticulous planning(he he) and our entry into crime world.There was something about me then ,that i m missing now, it cud be the fun, it cud be the living in the moment concept, it could just be ignorance i m nt sure, wat i m sure of though is
woh lamhe jo guzar gaye
phir kyun nahi aa jaaye
shayad woh lamhe yaad karne ke liye hi hain
jab hamara dil gumsum sa hain
i m getting better at this i guess.

My packed week has just gotten over and m in interim for another hell of a month. So I am here. Wanted to write something cuz if not ill lose touch with my good for nothing hobby. Let me see where to start. How to start is more appropriate. I don’t know. Basically my life somewhat sukcs with montonny. I ve no outside life other than college books and computer. Sometimes feels like just to break the whole shackles ,test new waters ,experiment and live life to the fullest. Whats like living life to the fullest?? I don’t know. I hardly categorize as one of the most coveted person either. So yeah this is the present day scenario. Living life to the fullest for me is letting my creative juices flow, not adrenaline stuff. So where was I ? yaa I was thinking like if there are two things u love , which one you would choose?? What are the intricacies involved?? What are the constraints to look for?? Wondering what got into me, well I just say yesterday it was sudden thrilling unplanned event ( dats as close as I get with adrenaline juices.. hehe) I saw jaanemann movie Its not really a movie u can write a review about but just that after watching it I kept thinking and still doing that.
Ok for those who dint see the movie here is a short summary. U ve a guy and his college sweetheart turned wife which turned sour later due to some misunderstandings. Enters another geek who loved the gal like hell in college but never got around with that anywhere(what can u expect?) so he enters the scene this guy due to some of his own problems decided to set this geek with his estranged wife. But he later on(obviously very late) realize he has a kid too but by that time the geek and gal are engaged. He decides that the other guys love is unconditional she is better off with him. The geek in between later gets to know that the guy who helped him with the gal is infact the husband and that the whole divorce and all was a big misunderstanding. So the geek decides to be the good guy and tells the gal and she goes back to her love. End of story.
Well one thing is here everyone got a choice to make. Like the guy he chooses her apparent happiness more, or the gal who chooses her love or the the other guy who decides to be fair. Does everything has to be so damn moralistic , does everyone have to be so right. The outcome wouldn’t always be rosy would it? It’s a movie and everything worked right . that’s what I was talking about choice?? How do u choose?? What are the constraints involved?? Wish there was some general code for everything??
I don’t know whether this is called selfish or whatever. We live life only once(life after death concept………..…… dude get over it), when we get a chance to make that journey pleasanter , better why not? Why the hell care about whats right or wrong? Why should we give a damn about anyone other than us??? Its beats me when I hear those people who patronize me by proclaiming to be truists, thinkers of the rest. Why is the only question? why ? why?( also the other inherent question ….. are you nuts?)
I don’t know. I was thinking I was really good patriot thinking of the society , thinking of making some difference right from when i had some sense(I got sense of things a bit late). But now here I m, took gre and planning full fledgedly to settle in usa with my dollar dreams.i should feel guilty for my two way selfish crap outlook. But I m not.i just chose the better pleasant way. Why care about the rest when you yourself are not so cared for? When you have some position , when you make your mark you can do something about others. Otherwise I m just as bad off as the rest of the society. I know what am talking is only to ease my guilt(yaa ……obviously I lied b4) but I just cant pick the right choice. Because right is always hard, right is always arbitrary, right ……………. It just can’t be right. . making right choice infact I think right is not the word to use, the word here is moralistic, truistic choice . there is nothing right about one choice and nothing wrong about other. After all we humans only become humane with all these intriacaies. If everything were to be just simple we wouldn’t be where we are now. The most complex evolutionised species on this planet, and probably universe( can t say)so choice. Like this dude mayur( apparently frm moon but sometimes..) says (again I might add arbitrarily, pisses u when everyone talks like that ) choose with heart think from heart.i don’t know , heart pumps blood, dint know it can think. Anyway jokes apart I don’t get it whats the heart thinking and brain thinking. Probably heart doesn’t allow you to weigh consequences, just choose whatever comes to you subconsciously. Brain choice is to deliberate everything after premeditated thoughts like I m doing now. But hey in the movie that I was talking about the guy and the geek chose the brain way, the gal unfortunately had nothing to choose from. Took the only way out. So you see when you premeditate, think u tend to become %^&^&* ethical mostly coz of guilt thing. When you think from heart its generally about you. Which way is the best way out, I don’t know. But one thing is for sure with heart, choice u make is mostly what u want really deep down. With brain, choice u make is what others want, what you are expected to do like that. If that’s the case the heart thing works a lot better for me coz thinking about others or anything like that riles me off like hell coz no one is more significant than you for you is the notion here. And by you I mean solely you.( ya it works for only those who think “I m wat I m” )


My heart choice is to not complete this now. Hehe coz simply I don’t know how to conclude . it was basically random thoughts in an hour pieced together haphazardly. Raw creativity at work!! Seriously no-thinks-outcomes-choice is my way, and my plannings for my utopia is set no mater what. Ofcourse if the unfortunate occurs and I don’t go to my utopia , what will I do, I don’t know, let me see what my heart calls for then. My brain telling me to settle wth good paypacket here some service if possible. My heart is not telling anything as of now. Hehe.

Sweat broke on my temples. I just stood looking with my mouth open. Somehow somehow just that moment my voice couldn’t travel out. Everything happened in a second. It was the only moment in my whole life that I regretted.
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I remember the day quite clearly. It was june 10,1938. I hardly slept the whole night. All night I was justifying the act I was going to commit .i was going to murder a murderer………SCOTT. Lala bahadur shastri, one of the greatest men of our country was beaten to death in midst of nation. I was there . I was right there. I watched lathis charging on him. He never deterred. He just stood there standing up for what he believed. I remember the look he had on his face just before he died. It showed nothing of regret or fear . it was just a look that said it all and nothing too. What I saw on his face is what u see in this earth. In this soil. In freedom. Freedom of nation, of mind, of soul. i think i should say it was like setting sun. but really i felt that sun dawned on us then.The entire nation mourned his death. That’s what I read in newspapers. I for one decided its enough. Enough is enough. There is a level of frustration and that day it all broke out. I decided to avenge for freedom by murdering him. I ,bhagath singh stood now where I stood when I was 9 yrs old in jalianwallah bagh. But this time things are different. This time I m going to do what I couldn’t then. Fight .
The plan was all set. Timings were predefined. That day sun rose in the east as usual.i cannot explain what eternal pleasure i derive when seeing something so powerful be with u. When I came out side I met with rajguru. He and I are going to be around center plan. We never talked much that day. We just looked at each other and everything was understood. So we set out at 9:00 am. Me, rajguru and bismail. Bismail was our look out . me and rajguru cycled and bismail was in disguise. He gave us our first signal to shoot. I removed my gun and……. Plunged a bullet. I dint shake a bit. Everything went out with bullet. It hit him on his shoulder. The next second all guards scrambled the place. There was no time to lose. We had to run and fast. We got out of cycle and started running. Chased by Indian guards was pathetic but they cant help what they are doing and we cant help our love for freedom, country. We sort of got split. When I started running through one gully what I saw made my heart stop. Sweat broke on my temples. I just stood looking with my mouth open. Somehow somehow just that moment my voice couldn’t travel out. Everything happened in a second. It was the only moment in my whole life that I regretted. Rajguru pulled trigger. It hit right on his chest. On the SCOTTS chest. But this was the wrong scott. This was not the scott we set out to kill. The whole scene dissolved in front of me. It cud be bcoz my eyes were full of water. The blood from scott would have touched my feet had I stayed there. I dint. Bismail voice shook me. I had to run. I ran. I ran like hell without turning back. Ithout looking at what happened.
I always believe there were two kinds of people one who deny their actions and the second kind who run away from them and then there was always the third kind who took responsibility for their actions and did something about it. I don’t know which kind I was.Guilt is an interesting thing, it can tear u apart and also gives u courage to do brave things.by the time u re reading this i wud ve already thrown bomb in the assembly and gt caught. i knew I had to die but I wudnt die in vain. It looked simple. I never told my countermates what was the real reason behind my second and last phase. the thing is sometimes without saying everything is said. a little gesture, a kiss, a hug , a .............sacrifice.even a whisper is enough to raise ur hope. a determined heart can change the course of history. what is independence if our hearts and souls are nt free. revolution is change not in political side, nt in economic side no nt in any of dat. it is a calling , a wakening of mind and soul to break the shackles and reign over.
i may remember the first step i took..........but my last step will be remebered by all. i never thought my journey would end so abruptly but the important thing is the journey, nt the longevity. i dont kno 4 wat reason i was born, they say u ve to find ur own destiny. i dont know if this is my destiny but i ve no regrets even if this wasnt.
INQUALAB ZINDABAD!!
LONG LIVE REVOLUTION!!
FOR HUMANITY!
FOR TRUTH!
FOR INDIA!!
JAI HINDH!!!!!!

There is point in everyone’s life when u reach that breaking point on the edge of the cliff and there is no other way except jumping down on the ground breaking reality –DEATH. People say that you ve a sixth sense about these things, u perceive these death vibes , u know ur meeting ur eventual end. Wondering what got into me, all of a sudden. I just heard the news that some guy with three young kids was kidnapped by the talibans and was executed today. My mom wanted my opinion of the reasons why the Taliban did so and I answered her saying I don’t give a damn and that I am not going to analyze either. She just told me that I am inhuman. Well I lied to her,dint i. I do give every damn about this otherwise I would’nt be sitting here starving myself and typing. I hate myself for this. I don’t want to give a damn but guess I just can t help it.
I wonder did that guy had those sixth sense that fateful day. Maybe it was just an ordinary day for him. Maybe he was planning his immediate lunch and was preparing to call his family. They say that at the end ur whole life flashes before ur eyes. I still wonder if he had atleast enough time to make do with his eventuality. I wonder had his parents ever wondered even in their wildest dreams that all those cherished moments of his childhood would end in this way.life isn’t fair . is it?
What sucks for me is that I never even heard abt him until today and I bet everyone who heard of him would be mourning in their own way. I don’t think its becoz after all we re all human. That this incident struck us way beyond. Its just bull for me. I think its only fear that we re mourning for. Becoz if its humanity we wudnt ve gotten over it all so soon. Its weird in a way. I used to think that faith unites mankind but I guess I was wrong again. Its fear that bonds all of us.
I always maintain that life is too complicated and that death is too simple. Simplicity of death varied for me. When I was a kid it was all kind of straight for me. I used to think I live my life and when I die I go to heaven if I was good or I go to hell if I was bad. Now as I grew up the definitions of good and bad started blurring for me(which used to be quite clear for me). Like stealing used to be bad for me. But if I stole that to put it to good use maybe its good. now good use could be to keep myself alive. Then will I go to heaven or hell. I used to be in this dilemma and then to add to this confusion came the question of existence of god. I first got this doubt when I started going through newspaper obituary and crime column. Daily thousands of people died and they all believed in god like u and me. They are all not sinners is my belief. Then I began to hate god. Slowly hatred turned to doubt. Doubt of his mere entity. That doubt slowly steeled me to fact – there is no such thing as god. So now death has a new definition in my life. It’s a process which destroys u of ur existence. It’s a phase when u just stop working. Like a vechile that’s just not going to move anymore. We throw it out or sell its parts. Here for us we re given a funeral or our organs are donated . Its creepy to think like that. But its fact. I wonder now which option of death is better. But now when it comes down to it, there is really no other option except fact. So I had to choose between lie or truth. I chose truth and so I became this mess.
I just wanted to say that guy I was talking about in the beginning. Everything around him was temporary……his life….kids…family……..job……everything except his death. I am not glad about it but it’s the only condolence I got out of all this that Atleast there is something that is permanent ……….DEATH.

P.S: I do realize its awfully selfish of me to think so. Anyway since when did I care of what I am when there is no hell or heaven. . There is only hell in heaven …….that for me is LIFE .

There are instances or moments in life when you stand back form the crowd, everything comes to stand still. You walk around analyzing things that matter, setting your priorities straight and redefining yourself. Well for me ……….that sucks .I never get it how it strike us all of a sudden…it just crap right. On other hand I stand still, I stagnate and I know I just cant get in or get the hell out of there. Because life is full of boundaries…u set them to have space, u need space from your other life, the life with family, friends, foes, to just remain sane. To get through all this in one piece, I fence my self. The thing is more often than not I over step them. Because the space I am talking abt becomes too heavy for me ….I would need someone. And when I do that I realize it becomes too congested for me. So I draw another circle around me. This is a cyclic process resulting in a set of concentric circles. Now it’s just a dot, a dot space for me. That’s where I am now, balancing on that dot. But the thing is even this dot is too much for me and too less for others to come in. therefore now I am all alone just as I started out, standing still on the shore away from ocean but the water still touches me in the form of tide.
The peace u derive though beats the hell out of an open pool where there are things ur conscious of, things on ur mind, people to indulge in. Its like this proverb, better alone than bad company. I always thought this was confusing, it dazes me often to wonder which one is better…being shutdown from others or merrily basking company. wat I want to say in the end pretty much amounts to nothing.
Life is complicated as heaven and as if that’s not enough I make it even more ………I don’t know guess I coin in a new word myself.

since title of my blog is that i decide to write something abt it. i know i am not at all cool. so it wud be easy 4 me to write as nything opposite of me is wat can be termed as cool. everywhere u look there is this question of who is cooler. its kind of mania around. u wud wanna be cool , i dont get it really. y r some ppl termed cool and others arent. y r some ppl geeks ,some posh and all. wat are these labels or tags that ppl attach u with. who defines these terms?? r they really capable of finding an apt term 4 someoneelse?? the thing is can a person be geek totally. doesnt he enjoy humour or wudnt he wear that predefined cool mask. wud a cool person tend to be so all along , breezing along wit no care of the world. no one can be that. the thing is u can never define a person in one word. there can be no such term to define them. everyone is complex in thei own way and ppl are metaphors, they tend to change over period of time depending on influences of circumstances. i hate it wen ppl term someone as nagging, narrow minded or etc.,bcoz there is no such thing. they cud be like that most of times bcoz u feel they re or u percieve so. wen mindsets change so does tags or titles. nowa days i hear that thick black specs are cool but like 5 yrsago those were the most uncool stuff. then wat are those specs? cool or uncool.
trend changes so do ppl. we just ve to get it. w ecant predict others. all said and done we still prefer to meet those ''cool" stds . u and i know y.