Damn the need to Damn!!!!!

Man has it been this long since i blogged again. I am just in one of those uninterrupted long phase of monotonous cribbing that I could not come with anything to write.Its just total blankness.I was telling my bro about this and he was like "dont giv a damn abt wat ppl think , u shld be gud to go".This one small line has blown me away. Damn!!!!!! Is this the reason? Have i started caring too much :D lolzz..Everyone denies it...no one claims it....but bottom line everyone cares about what ppl think about thm .So you know where this is going...post ranting about the whole damn theory...so if you are one of those ppl who either are too busy ,need the punctuations in the rite places or looking for some direction..u barking in the wrong street..or something like tht..i forgot the rite quote

The constant need to tell your shares of adventures,childhood memories with your so called random frnds...is a way to appease ur contention .. A person shouting from rooftop "I dont give a damn" well can he be less obvious ...or is it more obvious. Every success that you desire stems down to that social approval that you are vying for.As Ayn Rand has said it time and again...even an act of generosity,kindness can be the most selfish thing a man does..for his personal approval/god' approval/society's approval. Any of the slashes still qualifies this act in the selfish category and pushes you way on top"i care" slot. Well, you know it,you desire it,thn why the hell deny it? I wonder how the whole caring thing started .From the chimpanzee (lets believe the darwin theory for now ) to the presentable present phase...man has sure evolved what with the hair thing,and the whole technology reaching heights and ofcourse leaps in the whole social crap. Why did we not leave things simple as they were??. Why did we start giving a damn about every thing and now we call people who strive to live as the early men originally as the "Gr8 philosphers","sadhus " etc.,but this is a whole different concept..so yaa the dont giv a damn thing..seriously you can do all the things you love to the moment you stop caring..but thn again this comes at a price .But just think about it..just think about this unknown zone of complete unbounded freedom..to say ,think ,desire wat u want, to do wat u care,this is pure sacred religion where you are the god in your life..after all its ur life..Bhagat singh,Beatles and i cant think of more ppl at this hour..forgive my not so nocturnal mind ..these people command resepct ...we corrupt all these feelings and draw boundries that we reach a point where even you cant tell is this what u desire or wat u desire to desire ...

When you stop giving a damn, you dont rush, you are not in stress, there are no failures or success...you can see your life in slow motion one scene after other,u achieve things u wouldnt dare to ,peacefully ...slide on...I guess nothing beats the hell out of this spectacular view.

I am signing off with this quote from Fight Club .."This is your life,its ending one minute at a time... I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may. "

PS:Had to censor it..damn u :D

RIP Teena Brandon (Boys Dont Cry)

This is one of the very few movies that has touched me to the core.More so since its a true story. I cannot believe that something like this happens even in a country like USA . I actually saw the documentary on teena brandon and that was even more touching.I probably dont know anything about trans people,gays or lesbians and I think I have never met one.hmm i guess i met trans people ..hmm i dont know...but those people scare the hell out of me..cuz of the brazen way they behave and try to demand money from you...Looking back now...I feel they just dint have any other way than act brazen...If they dint majority of us that is straight people would totally crush them and their spirit and outcast them. We have already done that to a large extent.I just dont get why we have to be so unfair to these people just cuz they are not wired the same way as most of them are.I mean if they were the majority we would have been freaks!!!
What happened to teena brandon and many of the untold stories is just the outcome of our own nonsense. I have never felt more awkward than this about anything I have ever written.The sad part is even the people who committed the crime,one can totally get from where they are coming.With their background and culture and history you just have to be surprised if they dint do this to her or him as she would have preferred.I admire Teena Brandon for not succumbing to majority and live a lie...cuz she could have happily lived her life if she cud just pretend...stangely enuf to live honestly she still had to lie and pretend to be a guy :((..When did we humans became so hypocritical and cold hearted.How can we outcast someone based on somethign as trivial as this?I do hope that a day will come when everyone can welcome each other with pure heart and an open mind.Those 5 people who died and many more who are victims of such hate crimes should atleast make us realise that Nothing is worth all this nonsense.I have no idea how to conclude this....just that We have no right to judge anyone...jus cuz we are many in number...i always used to make a big deal about male domination over female...i never realised about the impact we have had on these people...we need to learn not to give a damn about these damned things!!!!!!!

Jus like tht :D

The spring semester has already started ufff and I need to start getting serious about it.I have been missing my early morning classes way too often that its now like a habit.Partly its the naruto that i have strted watching recently.Luving it everybit especially sasuke uchiha :))making me burn my midnite lamp :D...havent stayed awake for anything as much.I guess am kinda riding high cuz of prev sems gpa :) touchwood ..Need to gt some decent internship uffff and need to go back to india in summer...man i miss parents ,frnds and the awesome pani puri most of all :((.
Staying alone without my roomie especialy on weekends driving me nuts but wierdly nt feeling that socialisable either or to go out ....this is very much unlike me..i luv meeting and talking with ppl..but these days feeling very much anti social..guess things are taking its toll and i have bcm calmer :D..hehe.One thing am indulging in these days is cooking...i guess by this month end i ll be fat and an awesome cook..man am bcmng awesomer by the day :D nt to brag or anything hehe...my curries are perfect no more extra spice or tht extra bit of salt...am making new sweets and experimenting and eating a lot too...like every othr grl i am obsessed with bcmng fat ..since cmng to USA i believe every time i put up a pic i keep asking ppl this general qns hav i bcm fat?Iowa is sunny for a change :) but not tht its making a difference for me..i hav chosen to stay shut in my house enjoiying my solitary confinement with my cute dolphin and the gollum tht i gt frm 3d model...and i luv my voice mail greeting tht ihave recorded...after many days i finally gt it set up hehe..i guess its one of those times where u jus luv everything..though there is ntng specially gr8 abt thm hehe...even the lil things and unimp things make me smile now..donno why am i beaming so much :D...probly cuz things havent yet gt on my nerves..signing off until next time with some sensible stuff :D...

.......Sarfarosh ki tammanna ab humare dil mai hai....

They say it doesnt take miracles,it doesnt take many people, it doesnt take battles.. to change history...its just a thought...an individual....a determined heart that inspires the entire course of history......

Maybe its the fables or fiction...frodo,sam,maximus.....to hitler,bhagath singh...etc.,...It may not always change in good way but the impact resounds everywhere.....The strength that an individual requires to become so powerful comes from people around you,events around you and a dream...a hope that there is something that is worth your entire life.....Man has reached this stage in todays world because of that dream...where is that now? what has happened to us?Are we always going to remain as people who are in history or are we going to be the ones who make history? ...There are so many things that are happening around that is crying for someones attention ,for someone to be inspired...there are so many people around us who have been with us inspiring us with their stories of courage,love and bravery. What is the dream of mankind?Is it not like insulting your dream with so many trivial thoughts as dream?Where is the hope ....or has it been lost in the shores of brutality,hatred and selfishness that has been bitterly shadowing the corners of the world....has everything become so inhuman...mechanical...that am afraid a day will come when seeing a dying person ...one would exclaim "the human has stopped functioning!"........one dies in a split second...ones life cant be so goalless and aimless and insignificant...
there was a dream that is life......one should realise it.....

What is this???????

What is this feeling of walking along and then suddenly being hit on the stomach with a bat?What is this feeling of utter loneliness in a huge group?What is this feeling of riding bicycle knowing you ll fall? What is this feeling of sudden smile on seeing a lil kids smile?What is this feeling of sudden rush when you feeling a gush of warm air on your face? What is this feeling of peacefulness when the whole world is burning out?What is this feeling of dancing in the rain all of a sudden? What is this feeling of flying in air, walking on water ?
What is this seriously? For every thing there are thousand views, thousand more perceptions and even more importance.Its a bunch of so many things that have impacted in so many ways that one wouldnt even remember but that is wat makes our identity. The prejudices, the feelings, the likes, the dislikes,goals and ambition are all based on those things. I remember one thing distinctly that changes the whole course of my life. Its not something really great or awesome.It was a gesture. a simple gesture.Wen i was a kid all i did was slack off my homewrks and studies.So many excuses to study , so many more excuses to go out and play I remember that one time just before an exam I was crying my eyes out as it was history with huge answers and I know jack :|.It was then that my dad (our godown was right beside ) on seeing me, came ,made me sit on his lap,opened the book and started reading the answer aloud making me read.Those were the times when there were no cells, and then people used to come to house caling tat someone else was waiting for him.... he still coolly made me learn the answer explained me about history its importance ..slowly my confidence built up. I told him to go , i ll read , meet me wwen u re free.Before he got up he told me, "I always wanted to be a mechanical engg, do masters ,have the heighest degree,i couldnt coz of my dads death, had to look after busines.I gave up what I wanted coz of circumstances....I wouldnt want my kids to do the same mistake..... you should do what you want to ....what do you want ?". I immediately with a bright smile told him "Mechanical engineer".He gave a smile and left.I dont know if my dad remembers this either... but that day looking at how much focus and love and time he showed for me....I learnt to be responsible....At that age I dint know what that feeling was... The feeling when your dad looked at you when you failed the math exam .....The feeling when you finally started acing studies.... the feeling of satisfaction... the feeling of contentment at making your folks proud ....whose more that half life was about u.. and the remaining is for u...... who wait their eyes out so that they can talk to u for few mins......who miss you even when you were near them......who believe and make you belive you are something ....... then there is no such thing as bad feeling coz you can always bounce back with confidence.....I is not I anymore....Life feels better.........Now I know what all those feelings are.........It is the feeling of being alive ...............

room of doors- I

Its been like forever since I blogged.let me strt with tis opening....there are too many doors and u genly open the door where u know wat is inside ...even though wat is there may nt be actually good enuf for u and u know tht...u still go to tht room over and over again....there is a time wen u re fed up and decide to open another door...a locked door and the key u ve to search for tht...to make sense of all this let me go back by 2 months.SO here goes….
I just got out of mess I put myself in.And I needed a thingto not go back.Lucky for me I had a nice frnd with whom I can talk for hours together . I was obesessed with reading,it was just mad obsession.It was nt like I was planning to get into amazon coz I knew tht was one of the biggies and already my peers ve been rejected.But as I said it was just obsession to read coz even my frnd was reading heavily for gre and I cud take tht as an incentive for my prep.Thn in between wat wud ve been a big punch thnkfully turned out to be nt, coz I cudnt actually attend the interview but I would like to think I convinced the hr to try me. Thn finally the interview day I remember very well.I tend to become nauseous wen I m tensed and had ejected all the semi converted nutrition tht was supposed to hold me for the day.Thn on the way I had a pounding headache coz I cudnt sleep the previous day.Had to make a quick pittstop and pop a pill and my cap blew away so had to hear an earful frm my dad who was kind enuf to drive me here.
Now interview….well after attending two interviews of othr companies I thought I knew how these things go abt.I was asked to get in and all I cud remember while I was walking down to cabin was---- I shldnt fall down while walking(coz my sandal broke btw).wen I was finally in, the kind interviewer introduced himself and thn we gt settled in.my hands were freaking cold by thn.Imagine my shock wen I was handed a black marker pen and was asked to to stand up to answer the questions.On the outside I gave a smile and ws like ya sure.In the inside I was ballastic and all tht went in me was –is he kidding me,wat the hell.Thn strted the fire of qns. I guess all tht prep gave me some confidence to take each problem he asked me objectively.Throughout the gruelling 1.5 hr I cannot tell u wat went thru my mind coz honestly nthng did.i remember my hand shaking ,throat dryand oly the qns and yaa his glue stuck smile :D.i don’t know y but interviewr was obsessed with giving me coffe and sending me to restroom. I lost the guy’s marker and attempted a fruitless search.The second round was a mix of designing qns and modelling and hr.Honestly I cudnt care less coz I thought my frst round went hay wire.i was playing around with my hands ,and hair a bit,I doubt I was observed.Nyways after coming out we all thought we were goners and iwas like comparing my hr answers where I dint show any team spirit,I was feeling a bit bad tht I cudnt come up with such a tactful answers.Finally the train ride was new,I caught a running train(the train was running ) and ya I had to let my parents have a clear idea tht i m nt gonna get in coz expecting parents are very hard to appease.T hn I called my frnd and after a brief overview on my day which took like 1.5 hrs she said I did fine. Thn rite after a week ,on december 4th wen I was with my frnd watching sawariyaan I gt a call confirming my place.Well wat can I say sawariyaa is the movie where I had an awesome time watever may be the reasons[:DD].
All this just goes ahead to prove tht everything is upto us.How we turn out in the end…….its our choice….if we call it quits coz we ve no shot…..if we just blame everything on ppl around us for giving us a tuff time……if we just limit ourselves afraid to push to the limit…….if we are afraid to take a chance…….or IF WE JUST DECIDE ENUF IS ENUF and go ahead and do something abt ourselves.
Next blog abt the othr month.

EXAM SCHEDULER ALGORTIHM

PEACEFUL TRANQUIL WATER,WHAM EVERYTHING IS IN CHAOS COZ SOMETHINGS JUST HAVE TO BUTT IN IT.THIS TIME ITS EXAMS DAMN IT!!
Exams are the most annoying phase in any students life. Atleast for me.cramping with tight schedules that I ll never follow, and also extra curiicular activites like going online, chatting on fone etc., have to fit in the day adding to this getting tensed having cold hands, waking up early doing favours to your friends (explaining) and receiving favours(getting explained), having all the unnecessary talk in the worl at the most not appropriate time.I donno if it is funny but I bond more woth my mom during exams,I bond with people well during exams, people I never expect tot alk to I talk coz anything is better than the freaking books and god for saken exams.Then the morning starts with a silence Armageddon with the alarm and as it is common sense wins sometimes and I force my self to get up.The chilling wind forces u to suit up(ya I watch how I met your mother:D),and the u try to scrap in few minutes of sleep even though u know u cannot actually have the satisfaction of sleeping , it comforts me somehow.then nforcing dad to get ready quickly,hurrying to college for last minute revisions and thn running to exam hall as u genly are late and then finally faced with the devil itself the question paper awaits you on your table.A quick scan to see if u can pass the exam,once you are satisfied you start writing quickly coz very soon the pace is gonna die and sleep is gonna kick in. 3 hours would seem like forever until u reach last 30 mins which seem to whiling away as if its just 5 seconds.The walk of exit hehe is there....Then there will always be a gang of people who discuss the technical aspects of the paper, a group that will sulk about it, then there are people who start quickly coz of transportation problems,I hang around just long enough to know if everyones sucked or not and short enough not to sulk about it.waiting for the freaking bus is the most slow and troutous part of the day ,once u are in it u strt planning subconsciously for ur next exam or just go dumb.everything comes to standstill wen I reach home take my lunch into my room switch on my pc watch some decent serial or movie and close my door and shut all tht nonsense away. A decent nap and the cycle repeats again.
Funny thing is all this trouble can be avoided.exam could be plain and simple where I revise before exam write it come home and prepare for the next.Thats how it used to be until I entered 2004 and life took a head turn in past one year.well what can I say ,this is how growing up is gonna be,most straightforwards things are complicated like hell.When u re small and if u dint like someone u just say “KATIF” and thn make new frnds or shift to newer circle, but now saying that involves many other intricacies.donno whether that’s better or the former one.may be my next blog will be about that. For now I just wanted to log my exam preparation schedule online.
P.S:moral: don’t crap ur prepn like I do.hope I learn and thgn or 2.